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Murphy’s Law of Survival: If the Zombies are in range

I did the article just for chuckles!! Also my good friend Emilie K. loves to read all about zombies and how to combat them. I have done everything I can to educate her on the topic but there is always more to learn. So with that in mind I scoured the web for some quick and dirty rules on the zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately it looks like these rules are all written by MURPHY! So folks prepare yourself for Murphy’s Laws on the zombie apocalypse.

1. If the zombies are in range, they smell you.
2. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been blocked by animated corpses.
3. Try to look like you’re infected, they won’t eat their own kind.
4. Zombies invariably attacks on two occasions:
     a. when you’re ready for them.
     b. when you’re not ready for them.
5. Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to bite.
6. An “infected bite” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
7. Never draw the zombie’s attention, it irritates everyone around you.
8. The zombies that chase everyone else will be slow and stumbling, the zombie that chases you will be the fast coordinated one.
9. Never share a safe haven with anyone braver than yourself.
10. If you’re short of everything but zombies, you’re in an infected zone.
11. There is no such thing as an atheist in a poorly barricaded shelter.
12. Remember, a retreating zombie has probably just found someone easier to catch.
13. The undead are never around until you make a mistake.
14. One zombie is never enough, but two is entirely too many. .
15. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
16. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
17. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (In large groups)
18.The one item you need is always in short supply.
19. Those who hesitate under a siege usually do not end up killed or infected.
20. The tough part about being a leader is that the group doesn’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON’T want.
21. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the zombies take 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo they decide to attack that night.
22. Don’t close your eyes, or the zombies will get you.
23. If you don’t close your eyes, sleep deprivation will get you.
24. Just because there are zombies about, it doesn’t mean that embarrassing accidents won’t slow you down.
25. If anyone says “It’s quiet. Too quiet,” instant evil will befall you.
26. Anyone who uses macho film-star-esque one-liners has a life expectancy of three minutes.
27. The stuck up hot chick dies while looking in the mirror.
28. The geek will find the dead hot chick, cop a feel, and get bitten
29. If zombies aren’t your problem then someone in your group is.
30. If you travel alone so no one else is your problem, zombies will become your problem
31. No situation is so bad that it can’t get worse
32. The moment you say it couldn’t get any worse, it will
33. If you see nothing, then prepare for an attack.
34. Just when you feel safe, everything will go wrong
35. In a group there will always be at least one bitch
36. Running away from zombies will lead you into more zombies
37. The safest place you can be is being attacked by zombies. Everywhere else is just an ambush zone.
38. Brave people stand, fight and die. Other people run, get ambushed and die.
39. Just when you’re about to win you’ll fall and get eaten.
40. Idiots will get you killed.
41. Idiots will surprisingly live the longest.
42. There’s always one more zombie than the number of rounds in your gun’s magazine.
43. The ammo you find is always the kind that your gun hates.
44. Your gun only jams when you need it.
45. You are always the slowest runner in your group.
46. You’ll die out of either sheer stupidity or just bad luck.
47. You won’t die from the zombies. Just the raiders!!
48. If you find anything it’ll either be broken or useless.
49. You will always prepare for the wrong kind of zombies
50. You will get scratched crossing a chain link fence and fellow survivors will assume you were attacked and kill you in fear.
51. The people that prepared for outbreak will never help you except for letting you hear “Dude I told you so.”
52. They’ll be many talented, skillful survivors out there. But none of them will be in your group.
53. Raiders will hate everyone but only attack you.
54. The store you raid will be completely out of everything but Fanta and Virginia Ultra Slims.
55. You’ll raid a pharmacy and the only thing left will be those Flintstone Vitamins and Rogaine. (They even took the Viagara? WHO NEEDS THAT IN A ZOMBIE APOCALPYSE!!!)
56. You’ll meet the only Necrophiliac in 1000 miles and he will want you to capture the zombies for him to “run tests on”
57. The Necro is the one with all the viagara
59. The group of people who get ambushed usually live. It’s the people who come to save them that get bit.
59. Murphy was a zombie hunter.

One Response to “Murphy’s Law of Survival: If the Zombies are in range”

  1. Brian, this is hilarious!

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